Friday, September 18, 2009

RATED PG-13: How Birthday Cake Taught Me About The Male Anatomy

This is your final warning that this blog entry is rated PG-13…..(according to the Motion Picture Association of America, a PG-13 rating is one that strongly cautions parents as some material may not be suited for anyone under the age of 13 – either physically or mentally…okay, so I added that last part! But don’t say I didn’t warn ya!)

Growing up, some of my most vivid memories are of my coming home from school or work and finding my mother toiling over a cake. She ran a home-business as a cake decorator and she would make, on average, about 4-6 cakes each week.

She was very good at it…..and her buttercream icing was to die for!!

I learned a lot of things from my mother and her cake business. How to make a flower out of icing…how to put a scalloped edge on a cake, how important the mixing time is for both the cake batter AND the icing……and that it isn’t just a Ho-Ho that plays an important role in a “naked man” cake.

Yes, my dear, sweet, non-assuming mother was a highly-sought-after decorator of “naughty cakes” suitable for bachelor/bachelorette parties….milestone birthday parties….whatever occasion called for a naughty cake. Now, Mom had a collection of beautiful and socially appropriate cakes that she created, as well. Wedding cakes, baby showers, Christenings….you name it. But the naughty cakes took the…..well, you know.

I distinctly remember walking in the door after school one afternoon, the house smelling of cake batter, sugar, and Crisco and found my mother in the “sculpting process” of one of her naughty cakes. Now, I had seen the multitude of female versions of the “naughty cake” in various states of undress and, because I was already familiar with the “parts manual” of the female anatomy, I was, mostly, un-phased. Grossed out…but un-phased. Bear in mind that I was probably 14 or 15 at the time.

Old enough to know but not old enough to fully understand, I rounded the corner that fateful afternoon and was confronted with the male naughty cake assembly, in process. I noted a top and bottom layer of cake, secured with a layer of buttercream frosting between them and carved into the shape of a man’s torso, from the chest area to the upper thigh. In the groin area, was a Ho-Ho (the usual suspect) and…what’s this???? Two marshmallows?? What they heck are they doing there? Isn’t the Ho-Ho all that belongs there? But a Ho-Ho and two marshmallows? …and….why is it all slanted to the left? This simply did not compute in my middle-school adolescent brain.

A ten minute conversation and clarification from my mother, probably followed by an “Ewww!” from me, and I was set straight on the male anatomy. Just like that. Apparently I never really paid much attention in Health Class but a man carved out of baked cake batter and decorated in frosting? Well, now THAT was the kind of “body language” I understood.

Obviously, the “Lesson Of The Naughty Cake” certainly made an impact.

From that day on, I was no longer shocked when I rounded the kitchen corner….but I never could look at marshmallows the same way again. Or Ho-Ho’s, for that matter.

And speaking of cake, dear readers, my NEXT blog post will be the “Day of Duff” – Chef Duff, that is! Bear in mind that it may not get posted until late, late on Tuesday night or early on Wednesday morning so keep checking back for the full SCOOP on every SWEET detail of the birthday cake and Blue Bunny® ice cream party occurring just four days from today.

Talk to you on Tuesday!

Until next time, I remain….1SweetMama

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